“Ohmagee” said Karen, “My hair’s just so gosh darn outa shape, I ain’t never gonna get my frosted tips back Won’t someone just open up the hairdressers already? It’s my god given right as a MOTHER, and there ain’t no way I’m wear no dang ol’ mask, god damn Corona can kiss my rosy red ***”. The good news is Karen did get that haircut. She looked good. She FELT good. Ready to take on the world, one Olive Garden manager at a time. This was her time, and nothing would stand in her way, especially not some dumb old virus.
Unfortunately for Karen, the last Saturday worker she’d had to “lay her hands on” in Wendy’s did have COVID-19, and a lifetime of Marlborough Reds had left Karen vulnerable. Death came swiftly for Karen, but that new do looked damn fine contrasted against the mortician’s slab.
Nintendo offers a lifeline in lockdown
The above is of course a work of fiction, and I hope you’ll forgive my somewhat sombre satire. A product of the times, no doubt. The Corona pandemic is, for want of a better expression fucking horrible, surpassed only in spectacle by the increasing idiocy in demonstrated worldwide by miss-informed, ill-advised denizens of any democracy you desire. But we’ve got a secret. We have the ultimate lifeline in lockdown. For we are gamers, and we’ve been waiting for this our whole lives. For the first time in history we can sit atop our sofas with impunity, controllers in hand. Who needs haircuts, anyway?
It is therefore with no real surprise that Nintendo are absolutely smashing it out of the park, having now sold over 61m units worldwide. Whilst many hard-core games look down on Candy Crush and the like, I welcomed the introduction of mobile gaming to the mainstream last decade. For the first time in history, gaming began to be part of the everyday, not reserved for cheeto-snorting weebs in yesterday’s pants (not that there’s anything wrong with that, #weeblifeforever). The male/female gamer in-balance was addressed overnight. Gaming it seems, was in Vogue.
Nintendo for the win
In my opinion, that’s Nintendo’s genious. Resident Evil a little too throat rippy for you? Here, have some prime colours splattered across your synapses. Not sure lil’ Timmy would enjoy a good old fashioned Halo Tea-bagging? No problem, come arrange some flowers with your animal besties. Nintendo plays to the accessible. It knows its audience and proves time after time that you don’t need a kick-ass KD to have a good time. And with the Switch, they’ve taking everything mobile gaming does right and elevated it to celestial heights.
But don’t just take my word for it. Take a look at the numbers.
Mario Kart 8 Delux – 26.74 million copies sold
Animal Crossing: New Horizons – 22.4million copies sold
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate – 19.99 million copies sold
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild – 18.6 million copies sold
Pokemon Sword / Pokemon Shield – 18.22 million copies sold
Super Mario Odyssey – 18.06 million copies sold
Pokemon: Let’s Go Pikachu! / Pokemon: Let’s Go Eevee! – 12.20 million copies sold
Super Mario Party – 10.94 million copies sold
Splatoon 2 – 10.71 million copies sold
New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe – 7.44 million copiues sold
That’s a total of 165.3 million games, and not a FIFA or COD in sight. So far, the Nintendo Wii is the best-selling home console the developer has put out, selling just over 100m since its debut in 2007. But with the Switch only releasing on March 3rd, 2017 and selling 61m in just three years and change, they begin to look like rookie numbers.
One console to rule them all
The Nintendo Switch is truly an exceptional console. Its immediately accessible games and multiplayer capability straight out of the box makes it a firm family favourite. Versatility, and portability make it not just an escape from cabin fever, but an investment in future commuting relief (although we hope that’s a looong way off still). Playing Mario Party with friends at home, or catching bass on your very own island in Animal Crossing at the hairdressers.
Ah, yes, Karen. Poor Karen. If only she’d got a NES instead of an All in One Walmart Complaints Desk for her 9th birthday. Perhaps she’d still be snuggled up at home, joyously bounding through Breath of the Wild, her frosted tips forgotten to a life less lived. Sleep easy, Karen, for there are no complaints in heaven.
Source: Nintendo Enthusiast
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