I, like you enjoy playing the occasional video game. And as you’re reading this article, it’s likely we have both dipped a tentative toe into Turtle Rock’s delightful new zombie shooter, Back 4 Blood.
But as much fun as it is, this is far from an easy game to beat. In an attempt to hold back the hoards and make some tangible progress through the urban wasteland, I set of in earnest searching for some tips and tricks to help me on my way. What I found instead was big old bunch of bollocks. Allow me to elaborate.
New games come out constantly, gushing for our attention. And as sure as diarrhea follows dopiaza so in turn the content come shortly after. Every grubby outlet racing to be the first to fornicate over it’s very own “tips for new players” feature, desperate to snare those rarefied clicks, seducing you to please just “smash subscribe”.
But in their haste, what we end up with are a bunch of tedious videos literally teaching us all how to suck virtual eggs. I learnt next to nothing I could have gleamed with even a rudimentary play of the first few levels of the game. So in homage to the absolute lack of anything remotely useful out there, ABG’s is delighted present “5 Crappy Tips For Back 4 Blood That Probably Won’t Help You Play Good”. Enjoy.
Note – if you’d rather jsut watch the video we made on this article, just skip to the bottom for the link.
Don’t Die in Back 4 Blood
Dying in real life is a pain in the ass. But often in video games, it’s much worse. Such is the case with Back 4 Blood.
Go down too many times and just like Darrens ex-wife, you’re not coming back. What’s worse, if you’re out of continues this brutal game will take you back to the last checkpoint in your run, of which there are a tedious quantity. This could take back a number of stages depending on where you are in the current act, costing incalculable real-life minutes.
But then comes the real kick in the balls. Some of random weebs that helped bring your run to an anticlimactic end might not have had the decency to leave your session, guaranteeing their involvement in your next attempt and ultimately increasing the chances of your next premature demise. At which point the cycle repeats, ad infinitum.
At least you can only die once in the real world.
Reload your “Gun” with “Bullets”
For some unfathomable need to adhere to some semblance of reality amidst a fucking zombie apocalypse, try-hard developers Turtle Rock have made ammo finite in Back4Blood. The scoundrels.
What’s worse, ammo is specific to gun type and yet a further travesty still, hold the trigger long enough and this wannabe-gun simulator will require you to put yet more of this limited resource into your shooty zombie stick. This not only costs precious zombie bonking seconds, but, gasp, will actual deplete the total available ammo left at your disposal.
So remember, and this is key, you must always ensure there are bullets in your gun if you don’t want to die, which as we have already explained sucks decaying zombie ass.
Kill Zombies Good in Back 4 Blood
There’s no doubt about it. Back 4 Blood is an incredible competitive looter where he who accumulates the most needless attachments, and incompatible ammo for their gun is declared the victor of each round.
Bonus points are almost always awarded if you are the only survivor among your party and the victor will often be met with encouraging shouts of “f**king wanker”, “you little hoarding knob-jockey” among other joyful banter.
Sadly there is a catch. Dotted across your path to hoarding heaven are a load of god-damn Zombies. Or “Ridden” as Turtle Rock artfully dubs hem, a term we at ABG typically associate with our chief editor’s relationship to STIs.
A good trick here is to lure them into a dead end with an epic weapon planted at the end. Ping the epic, fuck the fuck off and watch in joyous mirth as your team-mates bound toward the bounty, and their untimely demise as you lob a grenade in after them. The competition dispatched with the zombies, to the victor the spoils. God bless friendly fire.
Turn your mic back on after vaping
Back 4 Blood is first and foremost a co-op game, and communication is absolutely key. Conscientious gamer that you are, you no doubt turn off your mic when you need to vape, because no one needs their ears audible ravaged by your rasped wheezing mid-act, right? Right.
Just remember to turn your mic back on afterwards, or spend the next 30 minutes screaming blue-faced profanity at absolutely no-one as all and sundry take the umpteenth purple SMG that was definitely yours, and not XxX-Zombie-Cockholds-XxX#2578’s in the first place, the fucking weeb.
So remember, don’t vape, kids. Wait what was the tip again?
Big Deck Energy
Boys and girls around the world love a nice big deck. It seems this is a sentiment that Turtle Rock have really taken to heart, as in Back 4 Blood all of your pent-up energy comes from your special little deck. And the thicker that bad boy becomes, the better.
The good news is there are plenty of places to engorge your big girthy deck in this delightful game. Keep an eye out for cards lying around the wasteland, for special deck augmentation. This helps avoid the unfortunate situation of presenting a sucky deck. Ultimately this will help you avoid the embarrassing occurrence of shooting blanks and blowing your load prematurely.
Remember, it’s important that you have the biggest deck in your team. Save the small deck energy for “Gamespot Tips and Tricks” Videos.
A Big Thank You
So there you have it. 5 crappy tips that really aren’t going to help you play Back 4 Blood good at all. Then again, they’re about as useful as anything else out there. And unlike Gamespot’s flaccid suggestions, these are at least entertaining. Well, you’re still here aren’t you?
That’s it from ABG today…big thanks for the good sports at Gamespot for not filing suit. We’ll catch you next time for some more pointless content to help while away the hours before the big sleep. Laters.
“Video games are great. I should know, I’ve played some.”
Olly S, July 2020